Since I have received an initiation last November at the Amuru Muru portal in Peru, I am going through very deep layers of Fear. Feelings of losing myself completely, going mad and finally dying. My whole body reacts on it. As if it is Real.
I know this Journey, because 4 years ago I already went through a very deep proces. Here they call it a Psychosis and the indigenous people call it a spiritual awakening. But this time it is completely different. I have arrived, I am home in the here and in the now, with my feet on our beloved Mother Earth. Experiencing and feeling everything to the bone and in every cell of my Human Body.
I can still remember the moment the Shaman looked into my eyes and said; You can do this Danique, you are a Maestra. There is no way back, you will die. You choose this path. He said it won’t be easy the next months but you will manage it. All that does not serve you and your mission anymore will be purged the next months. Deep inside I knew this. But a part of me thought. No, I just want to be normal.
But what is normal? My whole Life I have already been the Black Sheep and I felt alone for a long time. So what am I afraid of? My mentor asked me last week; Are you ready to die? I quickly said Yes! He said; are you sure? I closed my eyes again, connected with my Womb and immediately started to cry. No, I am not ready! Before I die I first need to see my children. I haven’t seen them for six years now.
This answer hit me deeply. Because if this is holding me back to die, it is also holding me back to live. From the moment my children were gone I have imposed myself not to enjoy Life anymore. I cut my Life force. Because how in God Sake can you enjoy your life as a Mother if your children are not with you? I punished myself with this debilitating conviction.
I was holding on to that part of me, that conviction, because it belong to me. I realize that it is the old Danique and that part is dying now. But still I felt so much fear to let go of that part of me, because my children are connected with her. It felt like I had to let them go completely and for me that felt like dying.
Over the last 6 years that I have not seen them, I thought I had already dealt with this letting go process. But No, this goes much more deeper. As if my heart is being pulled out. The pain, guilt, anger and powerlessness that comes free is so much that it is almost not to do, inhuman.
Then I received a beautiful insight. I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid to Live, fully, to feel, everything! And that everything was a lot for me. I already knew that I am not my emotions, thoughts and sensations. Read a lot about it, but believe me, when you are in the midst of a deep intens rebirth proces. You can forget all the knowledge you received earlier in your Life.
There are different stages in spiritual awaking. And for me the last one is Embodiment. That is the moment when you feel all the knowledge is embodied and is going through all your veins. That is the moment when knowledge becomes Wisdom. Your Body knows, you know. Your whole Being knows. Awakening is just the beginning: the embodiment of this awakening is the real Journey.
When we are on the verge of uniting with the infinite wavelength of eternal vibration, our old frequency can sometimes go through a crisis of stasis. It buckles and bends trying to adjust itself and tune into the cosmic orchestra.
We tend to doubt everything we’ve known to be true. In worst (best) case scenarios we tend to fall into an existential crisis, or Dark Night of the Soul.
But, if we are able to make it through this dark time, and shed that which has weighed us down, then we will open up once again, and even wider than before. This can happen many times on your spiritual journey, and each time you tend to gain new levels of wisdom.
At the moment I am slowly crawling out of my Dark night of my Soul. Grateful for all the beautiful Souls around me who are supporting me.
Life is Magical!
Even in the darkness of the Soil, the Light can penetrate
and the new Life begins as the old dies away 🦋